It has now been well documented that in 2017 I went AWOL from my life. Through my behaviors I alienated and distanced myself from so many people that cared about me and tried to help me. I have come to accept and understand that the reasons don't matter - the consequences still remain. For the record, I regret my AWOL behaviors deeply and if I could somehow go back and change things I would.
The trouble is, I can't change any of what happened - neither the causes nor my behavioral responses. And for a long period I attempted to hold myself accountable by putting myself in self-imposed exile from society, my heritage and my lineage. That's a lonely place to be for sure - and yet a silver lining beyond all of that was that it provided me with a form of solitude. In that solitude, I began to learn that I could trust myself again, and then I learned that I could trust others again. My behaviors harmed how others viewed my nature, character and sanity, and importantly, my own understandings of myself were harmed. In essence, I had violated my own sense of self and belief in my own core competence and sense of reality.
At the end of this time away, I fully accepted that I had shattered my life. It took everything I had to come to terms with and face and accept those consequences.
The consequences of my perceptions.
The good news is that over time I fully recovered psychologically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. I needed this in order to put the rest of my life back together.
In looking ahead at future planning for myself, I now fully accept the fact that I had been holding on to the idea of resuming or finishing something that I had started before the 2017 interruption, and I now recognize that this was a function of my own ego. This "holding on" had been interfering with my ability to move forward and the result was a feeling of being frozen in time.
"Could I recover, and if I did, what would it look like?" I often wondered.
As a course of my process, I clumsily documented much of my experiences and efforts to make sense of what had happened. My rambling narratives ranged from shock and embarrassment, to fear, shame, denial, anger, and ultimately, acceptance and forgiveness. Today, what really matters is that I have achieved closure and am able to move on.
Key Insight: Perception precedes choice.
Home is, of course, a mental construct. The old saying, "home is where the heart is", rings true for me now in ways I could have never imagined before the 2017 experiences. I also now realize that heartbreak can disrupt one's own deep understandings of home - home is really where a person's sense of well-being lives.
Today, from the perspective (clarity) of being home, I want to express that I don't blame anyone outside of myself. And I have forgiven myself and understand the circumstances and context for my behaviors and choices. I have chalked it up to a perfect storm of crisis, difficulty, distance, avoidance, confusion, fear and denial.
Now, with time and distance, I have been able to find perspective - insights and understandings that have enabled me to attain a deeper sense of self-awareness in reconstituting my purpose. My heart is full of love, joy and inspiration, and I look forward to sharing my insights and experiences as I continue to sharpen my focus, my thinking and my pencil.
Over the past several years I have learned a great deal about confusion, perceptions, choices and consequences, and how these directly correlate to the quality of every person's experience of themselves, others and the world around them. I also recognize that it is the consequence of our perception that really wreaks havoc on lives, societies and our species. Our choices are the inevitable outcomes derived from our perceptions.
It is within this understanding of the recognition that: the dilemma of mankind's nested vantage is sighted blindness - humans have the ability to see nothing while being blind to the something in which nothing is. It is within this understanding that we can find awareness of our own perceptions and consciousness, which is where we can and will find acceptance of self - that is where forgiveness starts.
Perception always precedes choice
change perception, change choices
change choices, change the world